The Classification
The most obvious characteristic of a bear is understandably his facial fur. So, that is the most logical place to begin. Using a capital "B" to denote "BEAR", we have added a sub-class characterizing "beard type" which combines a bear's beard's length, thickness, and overall "kept ness", numbered from 0 to 9 and defined in the following way:
- "0"
- (Little/no beard, or incredibly sparse) Such a beard is
- the absolute minimum that could ever be classified as a
- beard. We're talking 5-o'clock shadow, here! And yes, we
- are of the opinion that the beardless can still find
- company among the ursines!
- "1"
- (VERY slight beard) This is the kind of beard that people have
- who want to have a beard, but can't grow one.
- Or someone who is constantly at the 1-week phase.
- "2"
- (Slight beard) A beard kept VERY short at all times, or
- thinned out.
- "3"
- (Thin beard) A beard in all respects but kept thin
- and short.
- "4"
- (Mostly full) A beard that is full except for a few noticable
- bald spots, or kept trimmed.
- "5"
- (Full beard) A full beard not generally trimmed, though not
- generally bushy. May have a few bald spots on inspection.
- Usually full and roundish beards fall into this category.
- "6"
- (Very full) A full beard, not trimmed. May be slightly
- bushy but very full. Thick, full beards (more than B5's)
- are B6's. B6's beards also generally are higher up on
- the cheeks than B5's.
- "7"
- (Longish/bushy beards) A full beard or slightly thin beard
- with longish fur. This beard is not trimmed and does come
- away from the chin.
- "8"
- (Very Long Beards) These beards are usually very bushy and
- haven't seen clippers for a very long time.
- "9"
- (Belt-buckle-grazing long beards) The prototype is ZZ Top.
- Need we say more?
It shouldn't be hard to narrow a person down to within 1 sub-class now, although occasionally people may fall between two classes, and then the end result is left up to the person classifying, or one may use a hybrid designation (for example: B7/4) for those who vary across time (in the given range they spend more time near the first number).
Other Classifiers for Bears
While beards can be an observable trait of bears, there are other things that different people take into consideration as to "what makes up a bear", and things that people like in their bears. So, bearing that in mind (pun intended) there are other criteria that can/should optionally follow the "B" designation. It is not necessary to have a "grade" for each of these traits! For each there is a "neutral" value, which basically describes someone who is "average" or "unknown" within that trait. These "neutral" values are given below, but would not be reported --- treat them as either "default" or "assumed".
Some bears are particularly hairy about the rest of their bodies, others INCREDIBLY furry, yet others though rightfully bears, have little or no fur on their chests, arms, legs, back, butt, etc. So, one of the following may be added to better describe a bear's fur:
"The FUR Factor"
- "f++"
- WAY above average fur
- "f+"
- above average fur
- "f"
- furry in a bearish sense
- "(none)"
- "neutral", avg. fur from a sample population of both bears and non-bears
- "f-"
- below average fur
- "f--"
- WAY below average fur--"Nair-smooth to the max!"
To describe bears that are tall or short for their frame:
"The TALLNESS Factor"
- "t++"
- a virtual giant bear
- "t+"
- taller than average
- "t"
- tall but not very tall
- "(none)"
- average height
- "t-"
- shorter than average
- "t--"
- a bear of very small stature
For those who prefer their bears more or less fluffy:
"The WEIGHT Factor"
- "w++"
- a round bear/BIG TEDDY bear
- "w+"
- a big boned bear
- "w"
- bear with a tummy
- "(none)"
- average weight for frame
- "w-"
- a thin bear (otters!)
- "w--"
- a bony bear
For the junior up and coming bears:
"The CUB Factor"
- "c++"
- complete daddy's boy
- "c+"
- definite cub
- "c"
- cub tendencies
- "(none)"
- not "cubbish"
- "c-"
- looks like a cub but isn't
For the cubs, etc.:
"The DADDY Factor"
- "d++"
- DADDY with a vengeance (even his parents call him SIR!)
- "d+"
- definite DADDY
- "d"
- daddyish tendencies
- "(none)"
- not a daddy
- "d-"
- looks like a daddy but isn't
There also are HYBRID classes "cd" and "dc":
- "cd"
- A cub with "daddy tendencies"... Sort of like a "grown up cub".
- "dc"
- A daddy with cub-like tendencies/features.
- "dc-"
- More daddy than cub
- "d+c"
- REAL daddyish and also VERY cubbish
- "(etc...)"
This is the amount one likes to be touched or pawed etc.:
"the GROPE factor"
- "g++"
- Love to grope/paw/touch etc. Will attack without warning. Gives hugs to hot otherwise unknown bears on the street in open daylight.
- "g+"
- Likes to be touched most of the time.
- "g"
- Generally outgoing with ursine affection, a little more reserved about place/person...
- "(none)"
- Average amount of receptivity to being touched.
- "g-"
- Generally doesn't like people to invade his personal aura/lair.
- "g--"
- You touch my bod, I break your face!
For those who dare:
"The KINKY Factor"
- "k++"
- Likes just about EVERYTHING... we mean *EVERYTHING*!!!
- "k+"
- Picks and choose according to likes; willing to consider new ideas.
- "k"
- Open minded. Might choose SOME things on the "menu".
- "(none)"
- Kinky neutral.
- "k-"
- Has definite ABSOLUTE dislikes.
- "k--"
- Totally vanilla.
In SOME people's bear codes, "s" might really mean "k" (since "k" WAS originally "s" in the earlier versions...)
"SEX (ok, SLUT) Factor"
- "s--"
- Strictly monogamously/relationship oriented. No outside affairs, or in some cases, sex ONLY in relationships.
- "s-"
- Relationship oriented. Prefers a formal sort of relationship over playing around, however the scope of the word relationship is not defined here.
- "(none)"
- Relationship neutral.
- "s"
- Neutral to relationships/monogamy.
- "s+"
- Will form relationships which are generally open-ended.
- "s++"
- Strictly polygamous, prefers very open relationships ONLY.
For those who like meat on them bones:
"The MUSCLE Factor"
- "m++"
- Arnold Schwartzineger is that you?
- "m+"
- Definitely works out or is a ranch hand.
- "m"
- Some definition/blue collar.
- "(none)"
- Muscle neutral.
Sometimes a size queen's got ta do what a size queen's got ta do:
"The ENDOWMENT Factor"
- "e++"
- Gets complete respect even from straight men.
- "e+"
- Gets attention.
- "e"
- Noteworthy.
- "(none)"
- Endowment neutral.
For behrs (men without beards but bears) You might also put a parenthesized number for the "B" designation to give an idea of WHAT the person would look like with a beard:
"The BEHR Factor"
- "h"
- Behr (moustache no beard).
- "h+"
- Definite BEHR (moustache no beard).
- "h-"
- no beard OR moustache! (very rare but still cave dwelling).
"The RUGGED/OUTDOOR Factor"
- "r++"
- "Grizzly Adams".
- "r+"
- Flannel/jeans/C&W really *are* second skin.
- "r"
- Spends some time outdoors/camping.
- "(none)"
- Rugged neutral.
- "r-"
- Prefers indoor-type activities (tech or 3-piece).
- "r--"
- Never seen in the outdoors at all.
"The PECULIAR Factor"
- "p"
- Some idiosyncrasies --- no judgement made to whether these are "good" or "not so good".
"the *Q* factor (ahem)"
- "q"
- for bears who are out - WAY out - and love every minute of it. Stereotypes be damned, break out the chiffon and everything else, because girlfriend, as Auntie Mame says "Life is a banquet and most poor bastards are starving to death!" (For the stunned reading this - yes, Virginia, "q" is a GOOD thing just like "t-- and t++ are GOOD things", "w-- and w++ are GOOD things"; nothing negative should be associated with the *labels* pertaining to classification!)
Hope this has helped you out some. Have a good day :)
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